UGH!

March has come and gone as well as April and May. My last post said that I was back. That lasted about a minute and when I was stressed, I went down the wrong path and now I am suffering from it. I am being literal here. Going up the stairs is getting difficult again and I am in a lot of pain. I am really mad at myself for getting back to this point. I know that is the wrong way to look at it and beating myself up won't accomplish anything.

I'm done feeling sorry and being mad at myself or at least trying to be.  I have to do this. I have to do this. Eating is not the answer to stress. I don't have a lot of time to write a long post today. I have a lot to do. Once again, I have to do this. I would appreciate all the support I can get. Next Saturday, our Farmer's Market opens. I can buy local produce. Yum! For now, I am going to be really careful about what and how much food I eat. This is a process and I know that. I think it is like an illness that needs to be treated.

Also, I have to fit in some exercise, as hard as that will be. I think that during the week, I do an awful lot of walking, but not so much on the weekend.

Society's skewed view on weight

I know I haven't posted in a super long time. I was going to talk about New Year's resolutions and I will, just not now. So from the title, you probably know what I am going to rant...er... write about. That's right- the media. I don't care where you go, unless you live under a rock, they are everywhere. These images of models, television stars, musicians and even an occasional political figure. Almost all of them are thin and/or in good shape. This makes it hard for the average person.

Those standards are too high. Thank you to the show Mike and Molly for showing two things. First, that not everyone is a stick. Second, large people can find love. Slowly, there is getting to be some others who aren't sticks that are in the media. Adele for example (side note: don't like her music) is not a stick. She is pretty, and she is a more normal size. There are more plus-size models, too. 

It would be great for young girls to have role models that aren't so thin that it makes them think they need to purge or abuse laxatives or other things to get a body that is like what they see everywhere.

As for me, I have been really stressed out from my job, been depressed, couldn't/didn't exercise for most of the winter. Now, I have an injury that is preventing me from getting back in the pool. Also, I've been eating candy. 

So in conclusion, I got on the scale this morning and was not happy to see that I had gained almost 6 pounds- 5.8 pounds. This morning I measured out everything. My other problem has been hunger. I hope I can get all of this under control, so I can climb back on the weight loss horse. That horse bares a striking resemblance to the money tree that grew when I planted that penny.

Is Love The Answer?

Everyone needs love. A baby needs love to thrive. A pet needs love to grow. We all need someone to love. This may be a parent, a child, a pet or a significant other. Attention is wonderful for the ego.  It is very hard to be a single mother. You can love your children, but it is not the same as having a significant other. Since the summer, I have had two unsuccessful relationships. When I was in them, I was happy, I was loved. In some way or another I was being cherished or so I thought and that was all I needed. I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. I swam in the summer and lost weight due to not having an appetite and exercising.  I had to make myself eat at times. That first relationship lasted about a 1 1/2 months. When it was over, I was a mess and once again, I couldn't eat. So I still lost weight.  I cried a lot. I felt unloved and unwanted.

Then I thought, I'll try on-line dating. A lot of people had met their significant others this way.  It was the way to meet people in this day and age. I wasn't sure if it was the right time. Wasn't it too soon?  Wasn't I still hurting from my summer fling? I was encouraged by friends, because life is too short. Life is too short. I am no spring chicken, so I was off. Initially, I just sent out messages. I got some responses from as far away as Morocco and as close as Gaithersburg. Then something happened, I got a message from a man and so started what should've been a successful relationship. Again I couldn't eat. I lost weight. I was getting attention. I was loving it. He was a smooth talker. He was smooth like velvet. Too smooth as it turned out. He asked me for money and so began my downward spiral. It was almost really bad, but with some quick thinking from my son and my family, it came out that his passport was fraudulent and he had been lying about all of it. I was upset. Not as upset as I thought. I pushed it to the back of my mind. Talking about it is still really painful. I could eat again, but by now I was used to eating less. I lost weight.

Back on the proverbial dating horse, which brings me to today or really yesterday. Yesterday I was doing my grocery shopping. Let me backtrack a week. December 1, I saw a profile that I liked and a photograph of a man with the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. I thought there was no way that this guy would be interested in me.  I was wrong.  So back to yesterday. I was doing my grocery shopping and I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a flower delivery guy. I was getting flowers from my new man! I got a dozen long stemmed, red roses in a vase. There was a card too!  I am incredible happy.  I have lost a total of 43.4 pounds and I think that being in love helps you lose weight!

I don't know if it's the positive attention (or in some cases lack thereof), but in any case it worked/is working. I still have about 28 more pounds to lose and I don't expect to keep losing weight at the rate I have been.

I am in desperate need of clothing that fits. This is not a problem I thought I would ever have. I have lost weight before, but not this much in such a short amount of time. I need a belt for elastic waist pants!
I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe at each size change, but I will have to hit the thrift store. Wednesdays is 1/2 off at the Salvation Army!

As my Pop-Pop always said, "Bye for now."

The Upcoming Holidays

For those of us who struggle with our weight, the next few weeks are going to be exceptionally hard. As I write this, Thanksgiving is only a few days away. Then there's Chanukah, Christmas and New Year's. There is a lot of really good food associated with all of it. How do you keep yourself on the straight and narrow? I really have no idea.

I managed to get through Halloween relatively unscathed. In that I still lost weight that week.  Not sure if I will have lost any this week. Need to get back to tracking my food consumption and watching the points.  Only the scale knows for sure and weigh-in is tomorrow.

I would like to be able to find a pool that was not so expensive to join so that I can go swimming. That is the only exercise that I truly want to do. I tried a "land class" and missed a few sessions after my injury. I think that everyone who reads this blog already knows that I fell in my classroom. I'm better, but I don't want to go back to the class,  because not matter how I try to tell myself otherwise, I don't like the class.  When I swim, things don't hurt. When I exercise on land, things like my back hurt. Exercise is going to help with the hurting, but not if doing it is going to hurt.

Some words of advice that I hope I'll be able to follow. Have small amounts of everything so you don't feel deprived. Don't go to the table famished. Make sure you still eat breakfast and lunch, if Thanksgiving or other holiday is dinner. Up your exercise if you can. Put your fork down between bites. Really taste the food. Drink plenty of liquids that are not adding a lot of calories. One of my favorites is Crystal Light Peach Iced Tea. Instead of adding it to a 16.9 oz. bottle of water, I add it to a 24 oz. refillable water bottle. I think it tastes better this way and if you drink 3 of those, you've had the amount of water your supposed to have and two bottles are at least 6 8 oz. glasses of water. I know for me, if I had to drink plain water it is isn't going to happen.

I know that diet soda isn't good for you, but diet A&W Root Beer is really good and I don't believe it makes me crave more sweets.  One important thing related to that is will power. Don't have that stuff in the house. When I've gone to the store, which isn't now, by the way, I stock up on Yoplait Whips, which are really good frozen. Don't try that with regular yogurt, because I did and it becomes insanely hard. Though tasty, it is difficult to eat. Also, it is Clementine season, to which I say, "Yay!" You can eat two clementines and that is a serving. In Weight Watcher's all fruit is no points, but it is probably not a good idea to eat a ton of fruit. Two clementines is just enough.

I think that more important then what you eat at the holidays, although the quantity is still important, is who you spend them with. The holidays are not just about food. They are also about spending time with close friends and family. So whomever you spend them with, enjoy each others company. I know I plan to.

Stressed is not desserts spelled backwards!

Literally, stressed is desserts spelled backwards. I wondered what was going to happen when I went back to work. Would I slide back to my old ways? Overeating, because I was stressed, tired, sad, happy, etc? Rewarding myself with food, because that was just how I did it before? 

So far this has not been the case. I have discovered that my appetite is still  smaller than it has been in a very long time. The stress at work is present of course. I can't make that go away, but I can do something positive about it. I can swim. Exercise is helping me with my stress levels and I am getting fit in the process.

I still have a sweet tooth and a "salty tooth" in that I still want to eat sweet stuff and/or salty stuff, but I have been making better choices. I have not eaten ice cream in about a month. Instead I freeze Yoplait Whips and eat them. They are really good and portion controlled.  Oh yeah, they are only 4 points!  They have a chocolate flavor, thank goodness, and all of the other flavors are yummy, too. Also, Kashi has a protein bar that hits the spot for my afternoon snack. I have some fruit with it. Then there's Pirate's Booty. I love the stuff and usually buy the 1oz. bags. I usually eat two of those, because it is only 2 oz. It is way better than Cheetos and it's not that awful psychedelic orange color that gets all over everything. I think it's 7 points for the two bags. I should probably try to cut it down to one bag and eat it more slowly.

I am happy to report that I have lost 23 pounds since July 29. This is partly because I am not giving in to my cravings that I still get at night. I still want to eat the bad stuff. There really isn't much of that in my house these days.

My next hurdle will be the Labor Day barbecue I will be attending. I don't want to blow it. I want to eat sensibly. I will have my snack, before I go. I will drink diet soda or water. I might eat a veggie burger, but I can have a small hamburger without the bun along with some veggies. I can have fruit, if I want dessert, and I will try not to eat cookies or whatever they have for dessert. It isn't worth it! I still have 48 pounds to lose and I want to get there as soon as I can, while still being healthy. 

Apparently, I should be eating protein at every meal.  I did not think of that when I did my grocery shopping. I might have to go and get some veggie sausage or something like that. I could hard-boil some eggs, too.  I will let you all know what happens in my next post.

No Magic Bullets

I have been struggling with my weight/weight loss for years now. Sometimes I lose and gain the same pound over and over. If you read my blog consistently, you know that I do have some success. When you are trying to lose weight and get in shape you are bombarded with ads promising quick fixes. The ads usually show happy, thin people and they tell how much weight each person has lost.  It makes weight loss look easy. For example, there's Sensa. I haven't tried it, but according to their ad all you do is shake it on your food and eat regularly. You'll lose weight, supposedly, because Sensa makes you feel full or something similar.

The truth is there is no magic bullet. Weight loss is hard. Exercising can be enjoyable, but weight loss is hard and it takes time. I didn't get to this weight overnight and I won't get rid of the weight overnight or the next night. One of my main problems is I like to eat. I predicted as a child that if I ever had to go on a diet, it would be really hard for me.  Self-fulfilling prophesies usually come true. Bringing me to where I am today.

Recently, I lost a lot of weight in one week. I lost 10 lbs in one week. I know that is a lot, but I just wasn't hungry. One of my bad habits, related to food was to eat, because it's there. It is important in weight loss/control that you recognize what being hungry feels like, so that you eat when you're hungry, and not when you aren't.  Weight Watcher's Online said that I was losing weight too quickly. Excuse me Weight Watcher's but 1-2 lbs/week is the average weight loss that is recommended! However, I am above average and I think that 10 lbs was my water weight that you lose initially or whatever. In any case, it did scare me a little. I made sure that I ate breakfast, even if I didn't finish it. I ate some lunch and a snack in the afternoon. I tried to eat healthy and exercise.

So this week, so far it looks like I lost another 2lbs. Which is average. Remember that I'm above average, so we'll see what happens when I weigh myself on Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, I have been trying to do exercise that I enjoy. If I don't enjoy it. I know that I won't do it. My exercise of choice is swimming. I've been taking water aerobics twice/week all summer. It has been cancelled twice. Once due to poop in the pool and the second time due to the weather. So, I need some land exercises that are low impact. I  do plan to take a strength training class in the fall, so if I don't go swimming, then at least I'll have that.

Also, if you are on facebook, you may have noticed my "new" profile pic. This photo was taken in maybe 1994.  It is my inspiration and motivation for my weight loss.  For a long time, it was just that I needed to lose weight, because I weighed too much. Now, it's I need to lose weight, because, hot damn, I look great in that photograph. For about 4-5 years, I have not wanted to get my photo taken at school, because I thought I didn't look good in photos. I got a photo for my ID, but now that is over a year old.  I don't think I'm ugly, and inside is a thinner, healthier person struggling to get out.  I know that I will never be thin and frankly, I think that is unnatural. I think my smallest size in ladies sizes may have been a 7/8 and that was in high school. After two kids, horrible eating habits, lack of exercise and stress eating I got to my heaviest weight which I'm almost embarrassed to say, but it was 250. The last time I weighed myself, I was down to about 238.

If there was a Magic Bullet for weight loss, I think it would be handed out like lollipops at the bank.  We would be a much healthier society than we are now, but just like a lot of other things, everyone would have to be on board. That means that restaurants would have to make their portion sizes smaller. Commercials and print advertisements would have to feature more people that were not stick thin. It would really help those teenaged girls who develop eating disorders due to the models. A plus sized model would not be a 12. Don't get me started on that predicament.

Weight loss is a journey. There are many stops along the way. Sometimes you fall off the wagon and sometimes you fall under the wagon. If you are like me, you eventually, pick yourself up and start again.

Summer time and the living is easy.

Summer time and the living is easy. I think menus get lighter in the summer as long as you avoid ice cream. I find that if I don't eat certain things then I want them more. So, I bought Weight Watcher's ice cream bars. I'm going to put yogurt in the freezer to see if it will freeze. I had a yummy salad for lunch. I bought Walden Farms sugar free, calorie free chocolate dip. We'll see of it has a good taste. They also have caramel and marshmallow.

The Walden Farms stuff is nasty. The Weight Watcher's ice cream bars were good. Bomb Pop popsicles are good, too.

I went to the local Farmer's Market and was very happy with what I found. I needed fruit for my fruit salad. My fruit salad-I am calling it my fruit salad study, because I started the fruit salad about two weeks ago and I haven't finished it yet. I need to leave some in the bowl in order to use it as "starter" for whatever I add.  Bananas turn totally brown in the fruit salad.  I just added blueberries, raspberries and cherries. I pitted the cherries myself without a cherry pitter. It was hard work, but kind of fun, because I got to get messy and I dyed my fingers purplish.

I also got eggplant and cherry tomatoes. I was hoping that Justin would like eggplant, but he doesn't. I still might add some to the quiche I plan to make.  Also, something that I did not know, eggplants have very sharp prickers. Ouch!

I've been swimming laps and I plan to join the indoor pool for the fall.  It is reasonable and the almost always have lap swimming available. The upside of swimming is that a pair of shorts that did not fit anymore fit now. They are very stretchy, but stretchy only stretches so much. The downside to swimming is that it dries out my feet. Of course that could be because I am wearing sandals everyday. 

I did not get on the scale yet for this week. Mainly, because I forgot. I'll do it tomorrow.  I am doing modified Weight Watcher's in that, some days I am following it and other days not so much.  I mean Five Guys fries may be a billion points.  At least, I had a Little Hamburger and not a Hamburger. If you've been to Five Guys, you will know what I am talking about.